Wallets–they come in infinite varieties. Bi-fold, tri-fold, zippered, and Velcro wallets. Leather, PVC, nylon, or any of countless other natural and synthetic materials alike. All guys and most women carry wallets. Wallets are the ultimate accessory.
My curse is to be perpetually perplexed by things that seem quite normal to everyone else. For example, the spread of silly-looking bicycle helmets that taper to a point in front–for the professionals in the Tour de France, sure, but you–do you really need to be just a teensy bit more aerodynamic peddling around the neighborhood? Are regular rounded helmets really that severe a hindrance?
But this is a dangerous tangent that leads into a dark and frightening labyrinth. Let me focus. I’ve been trying to figure out why people carry wallets. The slim wallets will be convenient to carry for the person. The wallet will be adequately placed in the pocket of the pants of the person.
Wallets are stuffed with everything important. Cash, credit cards, debit cards, your driver’s license, other forms of identification, business cards, phone number, hell, even pictures of your rugrats or cats (you know who you are, lonely women).
When you think about it, if there’s one single item that would be the biggest nightmare to lose, it’s your wallet. And guess what everybody loses from time to time. Their cool? Yeah, but that comes back. Their mind? No, not everyone, a few somehow manage to stay grounded. Their virginity? Nope, that’s a one-time deal. And then there are nuns and Trekkies. Their wallet? Yes. Everybody loses their wallet, and more than once.
I’ve had ample exposure to the contrary types–so if you’re about to feverishly scroll down to the comment section to brag about how you’ve never lost your wallet, or even that you’ve only lost it once, I’d like to preemptively remind you: you ain’t dead yet.
Ever been mugged? Will you ever be out and about in the world, exposed to the potential of being mugged? Wallets are basically the gift wrapping around your money and credit cards to a mugger. You couldn’t have put together a more convenient, tidy, perfect little package for a mugger if you’d sat around at home and tried. Why not go peruse the Hallmark stands for a cards to stick on wallets?
Do they make ’em for thieves?
(outside)
Just a note
To say how sweet
It was to get jumped
On that dimly lit street…
(inside)
I’ve never been
So seamlessly mugged,
You have my warm wishes
With smooches and hugs.
May you enjoy
your newfound bounty,
Best of luck
staying out of county.
Then of course you’ve got the pickpockets. They are drawn to the bulge of a wallet. The big bulge is a beckoning beacon. Some alliteration to help you remember. It’s, well, easy pickin’s. Though you may think large items such as wallets would be more noticeable when someone removes them, the opposite is true. Pickpockets have a much easier time with a sizeable object than they do with something smaller. And again, everything’s right there in one bundle for them. The big bundle bulge is a brightly beckoning beacon.
So maybe now you want an alternative to wallets. Split up your valuables into a few pockets. Spread your cash out in a few different pockets, and do the same with your credit cards. It may be a bit cumbersome at first, but you’ll get accustomed to it quickly.
Now, hypothetically, let’s say you do this and you get mugged. You reach into one pocket, pull out a wad of cash, and hand it over. The mugger will not suspect that you have your cash divided up. Who does that? Contrary to the crimes we see on television and in movies, it’s rare that muggers will search and frisk you once they have cash in their hand. The cash is what they really want, and their second and only other desire is to get away swiftly once they have it.
It’s the same idea with pickpockets, obviously. Chances are they’re only going in one pocket, and very rarely a second if they have good reason. They’ll get something, yes. But that’s a whole hell of a lot better than them getting everything. Stay tuned, by the way–I’m intending a pickpocket-proofing article too.
Wallets. See, they’re actually just little accessories to disaster. While they are admittedly somewhat convenient, the potential down sides, in my mind at least, outweigh the convenience. Anyone care to join me in a widespread abandonment of wallets? And pointed helmets?
